When I pulled into the place, it felt like I’d stepped into a scene straight out of “Deliverance.” I parked next to the old toilet in the yard, that had been repurposed as a flower pot. I wove my way through about 5 cars up on blocks, and waved to the couple sitting on the porch of the mobile home, who I swear on a Bible, were honestly picking a banjo. (I once heard Jeff Foxworthy say that if you own a home that’s mobile, and 5 cars that aren’t “You might be a redneck.” I think perhaps he had been driving past this place when he came up with that line.)
“We’ll be right with you young man.” Yelled the gentleman from the porch. They go inside, and come back out sans banjo. As they approached, the feeling of being in a “Deliverance” scene got stronger. The man was wearing bib overalls, and no shirt. But his shoulders looked as hairy as a grizzly bear. The woman, while slightly younger, probably outweighed the man (who was not small) by a good 50 pounds, and I don’t think any of it was fat. While he may have had the fur coat of a grizzly bear, she had its build. I couldn’t quite decide if they were husband and wife, or maybe she was a younger sister, or cousin, or perhaps even a daughter. Or maybe even a combination of some of those choices.
They proceeded to point out the cow I needed in a pen next to an old barn. I looked around the assorted junk in the yard, but was unable to spot anything that resembled a chute. So I wove my way back through the junkyard. Tripping once or twice over an engine hidden under the weeds. Collected my calf puller, chains, and a rope.
Edna joins me at my truck, and asks if she can help carry my things. I’m not sure she’s not just going to just pick up my whole truck, and carry it over to the cow.
When we get back to the cow, I’m expecting to have a little bit of a rodeo catching it. But I’m pleasantly surprised when Edna walks right up to it, and puts a halter on it. She offers to hold her for me while I work, but I insisted on tying the cow to a fence post. But I’m not sure Edna wasn’t more sturdy than the fence post.
Just as I go to start, Edna stops me. “Aren’t you going to take your shirt off? Dr. Pol always takes his shirt off.”
“No, I’ll be fine.” I reply.
“I really think you should take your shirt off.” She says, and it was difficult to tell for sure with her eyes pointing different directions like they do, but I think she winked at me, as she was insisting I take my shirt off.
I was reminded of a recent trip to Florida, where I managed to spot some of the elusive web-footed cattle, native to the Everglades, swimming with the alligators. It was suggested at the time, that I might need to take off my shirt, and preg check those cows in my swimming trunks. I didn’t think that sounded like much fun.
As I wrestled with the twins, both trying to come out at once. I had to listen to Clarence’s thoughts on what the problem was.
“She’s never had problems calving before. I think it must be cuz’ I started feeding Sudex this year. It’s probly high in them Nitrates. That’s why she’s havin’ troubles”
“Well, Sudex can definitely accumulate Nitrates, and you should definitely have it tested. But that’s got nothing to do with this. She’s got twins tangled up, and they’re both trying to come out at once.”
As I’m explaining this to Clarence, with my arms buried in the back end of the cow. I suddenly feel Edna’s hands in my back pocket.
“Um, what are you doing?!” I ask. “Well, I saw you had more of them sleeves in your pocket. I thought if I put them on, I could help you out.” “I think I’ll manage.” I reply.
It took every inch of my go-go gadget extend-a-arms to get them out. But I managed to do it, even without taking my shirt off like Dr. Pol. Unfortunately, Clarence and Edna had missed the signs of labor long enough, they were both already dead. This just further convinced Clarence he needed to stop feeding his Sudex. “Yep, she’s always had a live calf before, I know it’s cuz’ of that Sudex I done been feedin’.”
As I was cleaning up to leave, an alert went off on my phone, warning of an impending severe Thunderstorm. Edna took this opportunity to say “I don’t think it’s safe for you to drive home in this weather. You better come inside and ride out the storm. And if you’ll take off that shirt you got all dirty, I’ll wash it for you.” Again I think this was accompanied with a wink.
I loaded up and headed for home just as fast as I could go.
I’m starting to think maybe preg checking those web-footed Everglade cows, out in alligator infested water is sounding like a better idea.