David was having one of “those” days, you could tell just by looking at him. I was at a clients place looking at horses. We were administering spring vaccinations, pulling Coggins tests, and checking and floating teeth. David’s wife, Heather had called about an hour earlier and asked if it would be alright if they also freeze branded some of the horses at the same time. I replied that I thought while they were already sedated to work on their teeth, would be the perfect opportunity to do so. I asked if they already had liquid nitrogen to do the job, or if they needed me to bring some? Heather replied with an upbeat, “Don’t worry about it, we’ll have it.”
We’d already finished two horses, and Heather is starting to get antsy. “Where could David be? He should have been here by now. I sent him ages ago to get that Nitrogen.”
Just then David pulls into the yard. He looks frazzled, but he has a canister of liquid nitrogen in his hand. Or at least he thinks he does. The problem is that the container he had is a dry vapor shipping container. Meaning that the material inside is designed to absorb the liquid nitrogen so that it keeps the contents cold, but doesn’t spill. Every drop of the liquid nitrogen he’d paid for to use for branding has been absorbed and is unavailable. His wife asks if he’s going to go back and get more. Turns out, that he’d already made the trip back to get more once. The first time he’d put the liquid nitrogen in a styrofoam container. On the ride home the thin styrofoam had cracked dumping the liquid nitrogen in the new bed liner of his wife’s pickup. This instantly froze the bed liner. At the first bump he hit, this frozen bed liner had cracked into all kinds of tiny little pieces.
He had tried so hard to get this liquid nitrogen for his wife, had no liquid nitrogen to show for it, his pocket was lighter for having purchased it twice, and he’d ruined his wife’s bed liner. The only thing that could make his day worse was if his wife wasn’t as understanding as he hoped she would be. Or so he thought.
As he’s relating his plight, I’m trying to be sympathetic. In fact I turn off my power dental float, to give him my full attention. Or maybe it was because I couldn’t see the horses teeth any longer through the tears in my eyes, while being doubled over in laughter.
Just then David’s phone rings. Some poor soul in a third world country who is just trying to put food on his family’s table is on the other end, trying to sell David a product that would make his life much easier. David’s patience has reached an end. It’s lucky that the man on the other end doesn’t speak English very well, because David’s language would have made a sailor blush.
“Listen here you %#*~, if you ever call this ^%#* number again, I’ll &$#^% report you to the &$?#% @&^% FCC, so fast your &@$*% head will $&#+* spin!”
I make a mental note to myself through my tears while rolling on the ground, that if I ever need to call David to make sure I enunciate very well, and speak my very best proper English.
From their farm, I’m headed to the lab to drop off the Coggins samples. My wife calls and says “Make sure you stop at the grocery store before you come home, and use those deodorant coupons I gave you. The sale ends today.” My wife is an amazing crazy coupon lady, and will walk out of a store with a whole cart full of items that the store paid her to carry out. I however hate using coupons, and the transaction never goes right for me. But I love my wife so occasionally I try.
I hit the lab first, and drop off the samples, then pull into the grocery store parking lot. Stacie’s instructions were simple enough. “The speed stick deodorant is on sale for $1.00. You have 4 coupons for $1.00 off a stick of Speed stick deodorant. Just pick out whatever scent you like, and come home, you should only have to pay tax.”
So I go back, carefully select the proper size deodorant so it will qualify for the coupon. Select four scents. I tried Musk, Irish Spring, Ocean Breeze, and Original. I check out, give the lady all 4 coupons, and absentmindedly pay $4.56. As I walk out I think to myself, that doesn’t seem like a great coupon deal. Somehow I’d made a mistake. I then compound it by making a second mistake, I call my wife and tell her how much I spent. She sends me back in to talk to customer service. So I go back in. The lady behind the counter explains to me that, some of the Irish Spring is on sale for $1.00, and some of it is on sale for .99 ¢, but only if you buy 5, and I bought the .99¢ variety, but only bought 4. So I ask how we can fix it so I can get the deodorant for the price my wife expected me to. She tells me I can’t, it’s too late.
I leave the store muttering to myself that my time is more valuable than to spend it arguing over $4.00 off deodorant that I didn’t even want.
So I leave dreading what my wife will say. Finally about half way home, I get up the courage to call her. She tells me to bring home the receipt and she will fix it. That’s when I realize that in my frustration, I’d left the receipt sitting on the customer service desk.
Just then my phone rings. It’s a lady who raises miniature bucking stock for kids rodeos. While they may be miniature, they are still very ornery, and have hurt her several times. She has no facilities to work on her animals in, and has a cow in labor that she thinks needs my help.
My patience has reached an end, and what I really want to say is: “Listen here you %#*~, if you ever call this ^%#* number again, I’ll &$#^% report you to the &$?#% @&^% FCC, so fast your &@$*% head will $&#+* spin!”
But I bite my tongue and say “Okay, I’ll head your way and we’ll see what we can do.”
On arrival my heart sinks. I see a cow with deformed legs waddling around the pen, with a swollen head and tongue protruding from the vulva. If the baby’s legs look anything like the mother’s it’s no wonder that they’re still inside. With the swollen head, and her small size, I doubt that I’ll be able to get inside and straighten them out, even if they aren’t deformed.
After roping and tying her to a solid fence post, I don some OB sleeves and lube up my arms very well. To my surprise, the calf is still alive, and the head is not as swollen as I’d initially thought, it’s mostly just the tongue. As I explore around the calf’s head inside the vulva, I find an area small enough to get my skinny hands inside, I trace the neck back with my fingers and am able to hook a leg with my finger and to carefully bring the little cloven hoof up and out. I then repeat the procedure on the other side. With the calf in proper position it then slides gently out of the birth canal with very minor traction.
The tongue is swollen, but I know this will go down soon, and otherwise the calf is completely normal. The mother despite her ornery disposition, and crooked legs, nuzzles the baby with her muzzle causing it to stir. She appears as if she’ll make an excellent mother.
I drive home in a much better mood, once again marveling at the wonder of new life, but still dreading what my wife will say about my couponing fail.
Turns out, while I was delivering the calf, she’d gone to a completely different branch of the chain grocery store, without a receipt, without the deodorant, without the coupons. Explained to them what I had done, and walked out of the store with an extra stick of deodorant, and $4.00 in her pocket.
Again I’m reminded that I need to leave the couponing to my wife. I think I’ll call David and suggest that next time he let his wife pick up the liquid nitrogen. I just need to make sure I speak very clear, and fluent English as I do so.